I have too big a mouth. There is more going on in my brain than I say, but that doesn’t change the truth that I say more than I should. When I have spoken too much, told more than I need to, I defend myself with thoughts of all I managed to keep to myself.

It occurs to me today that it’s as if I excuse myself for stealing $50.00 by pointing out that I didn’t take the whole pile of cash. What was left in the pile is not the issue. Stealing is wrong, and leaving some behind does not excuse the theft. Why am I able to know this about robbery but not about running off at the mouth? I hope that this lightbulb going off for me today effects lasting change. A little self control, perhaps?

Not filling the space between me & another with ‘information’ leaves me with a problem: what to do with that gap.

I think maybe then I am in the territory of focusing on the person in front of me, looking them in the eye, listening, asking, exposing myself; all that could happen if I don’t build a little wall using information. Ugh.

I’ll try – Even I am not too dense to guess that this alternative way is the richer life.

This book marks a coming home for me. It seems it’s been months, if not over a year, since I read simply for the pleasure of reading. Working at a church, I have access to so many wonderful titles, and I am not ungrateful, believe me, I KNOW, I think how lucky I am to have a job that challenges me to grow intellectually and spiritually. It is such a gift. But sometimes, reading a book on Christian life, a devotional, or theology makes me feel as if my work life is extending into and overtaking my time away.

A personal reading passion of mine is sociology – The Swede refers to these as my “America is going to hell” genre. He’s not wrong here; many of them are fascinating studies of the decline of thought and culture. And since we live in America, and the authors are mostly American, they are about the deterioration of American thought and culture. And it’s been WAAY too long since I read one. My love of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky easily fits this category. While they are fiction, they are such amazing studies of human thought and life that they become sociology books as well.

I’m willing to admit that my love of this book may be partly because of the refreshment in brought in not being a book specifically about Christian life or theology.

This book not only discusses society and human nature, it discusses History and Technology. WTW! Did the author do a survey of my personal passions and decide to write a book just for me? Thank you, Thank you.

William Power’s premise is this: to lead happy, productive lives in a connected world, we need to master the art of disconnecting –for refreshment- we then reconnect, better able to focus on the task at hand

My first highlight when reading was this:

The goal is no longer to be “in touch” but to erase the possibility of ever being out of touch

It hit home for me- the desperate fear of being out of touch. My iPhone is a gift and a joy- I so easily keep up with my email and have access to FCC’s entire exchange server database. I have access to Larry’s calendar at all times, no longer needing to find an computer and log in to make an appointment for him. I don’t have to stay at the office to get simple tasks done. I am able to physically leave, secure in the fact that I am easily reachable should anyone need anything. Far from being a chain to the job, it’s a freedom that allows me to exit the building guilt free.

The problem grows subtly; I find myself tipping over into checking my email 10 times more than I need to, and I never truly mentally “leave” work. I’m missing balance and refreshment- the exact same balance I’m missing when I go far too long without reading books that have no connection to life at FCC. This book named the discontent that has no name for me as well as the feminine mystique did for women all over the nation 50 years ago.

The reason I was able open to the author’s ideas was that he is very obviously not a Luddite or 1 dimensional hater of technology. He sees the value that digital connectedness provides, and that was enough for me to be willing to hear him out. He also broke through my defenses with spot on descriptions of my experience.

His description of the digital life made me chuckle with recognition

Someone you know has just seen a great movie. Someone else had an idle thought. There’s been a suicide bombing in South Asia. Stocks soared today. Pop star has a painful secret. Someone has a new opinion. Someone is in a taxi. Please support this worthy cause. He needs that report from you—where is it? Someone wants you to join the discussion. A manhunt is on for the killers. Try this in bed. Someone’s enjoying sorbet, mmmm. Your account is now overdue. Easy chicken pot pie. Here’s a brilliant analysis. Latest vids from our African safari! Someone responded to your comment. Time’s running out, apply now. This is my new hair. Just heard an awesome joke. Someone is working hard on his big project. They had their baby! Click here for the latest vote count…

Powers offers hope in the idea that we have been here before. New technologies have emerged multiple times in history, and technology lovers in centuries gone by have successfully navigated this same question. I learned more about Plato, Socrates, Gutenberg, Shakespeare (by the way, the chapter on Shakespeare and the author’s love of moleskin notebooks was the only chapter that didn’t speak to me. I found it pretentious), and more about human nature then and today. I laughed at the reaction of the day to the advent of the printed word- it sounded to me similar to an argument I encountered against using the internet and social media to connect at FCC.

Because now that anyone is free to print whatever they wish, they often disregard that which is best and instead write, merely for the sake of entertainment, what would best be forgotten, or, better still be erased from all books. – Nicolo Perotto, 1471

This book was refreshing. I will be trying a baby step toward more balance, and will call it “commando” Mondays. Mondays sans cell phone and email. I will also endeavor to read simply for pleasure much more often.

I have a few close friends from whom I have no secrets.

They have paradoxically become the few who celebrate with me the deep reaches of God’s grace and joy- because they witness the depths. One of them checked in with me the other day.

He asked me how I was doing with looking directly at ways in which my brother and I were severely mistreated as vulnerable children. He genuinely cared to know, and listened to my response. I was able to articulate well because I had worked it out for myself, coincidentally, in my last post.

He then said something that was revolutionary. He hoped for me to become so enthralled with who God is that this issue would pale in comparison. NOT because this is unimportant- it is no small matter- but because God and his glory and grace is so breathtakingly larger.

The effect in the end is that the things of this world grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.

I did not in the least feel that anything we had discussed earlier was being dismissed as trivial by my friend. This hope has planted in my heart, and is growing into a hunger to know God more. I am so thankful.

Is the exasperated question I get from my parents. It comes as a complaint that they are now somehow the victims of my memories. As if amnesia was a reasonable expectation. Some survivors have induced amnesia as a tactic to cope, and it’s considered a mental disorder. A working brain, one with memory recall does not make me somehow the oppressor. It means I’m healthy. What a twisted upside down world, the world of abuse. Complete with demands for memory loss as proof of forgiveness. So for one, lose the demand that I get some brain damage.

I would also like, please, for my brother to stop being considered the black sheep, simply because he has removed himself from the source of his soul killing mistreatment. No one is expected to want to spend thanksgiving with their mugger, even if that person has forgiven the crime, why is he held to a different standard? Stop demanding annual homage to the family, and take responsibility for any family disruptions your behaviors have caused.

I would also like the buck to stop. Just stop. do not rationalize, minimize, or project blame or any motivations on other people. Try these sentences on for size: I did not protect and actively injured the children under my roof. I was supposed to be caring for them. They are not my victimizers.

In addition, do not feel persecuted about the consequences in family dynamic as a result of the abuse. It is what it is- pray about it, give it up to God, but do not come at us with righteous demands that we not make for ourselves in our adult lives the psychic space we need to sort things out.

When your youngest act like normal teens and young adults and try to healthily separate as they grow up- don’t go off thinking we have somehow poisoned them against you. We are surprisingly gracious adults. We do not run around trying to poison your 2 youngest children or other people against you. In fact, you are not the major topic of conversation in our daily lives. AND we are not looking to scar the next generation with horror stories. It doesn’t help anyone. They know life was different for us, they know more if they ask, as they get older, but it’s only in answer to their questions and it’s never a huge conversation. How about rejoicing in how God has healed your family, being honest about the story, rather than fearfully hiding? That’s what I want, all Glory and honor for healing to God. Papa, help me want that more than anything.

I belong to a weekly study group and our leader begins each session with a get to know you question. This Thursday the question will be ‘name one thing you like & one thing you don’t like about technology’. Here is my answer.

I like the way technology can become an interpreter between my mind and sharing what is in my mind with others.

I don’t paint very well, either with a brush or words, but digital photography allows me to capture and share what I see and want to share with others. When I show you a photo I took I’m showing you something I found beautiful, or a moment of joy, trying to include you in an experience I had and will otherwise fumble verbally to share with you.

When a computer spits out a well done document or web page or properly balanced accounting, it’s a tool in my hands just like a chisel is a tool for a sculptor. Translating what was in my mind into a real object. I love this.

What I wonder though, is if this instant digital competence is allowing the death of skills that don’t use a computer.

You might chuckle if you could see me now. I’m on the deck, reading, drinking coffee & enjoying the birds- that nothing unusual. But it’s HOT and sunny today & I don’t want to sit in the shade. So my solution is decidedly 1st world: I have brought a fan outside and plugged it into an outlet on the deck. Not very back to nature, is it?

It is, however, the best of all worlds for me, and the birds don’t seem to be phased by the noise. I also have a spray bottle of cool water that I reach for every few minutes. Which brings me to my praise: Evaporation as a cooling method.

Think about it. God made this crazy process of heat dissipation, using 2 elements: water & air. If I had created these 2 things,I would not have been smart enough to use them together to also regulate temperature stability. And even if I wanted to I wouldn’t have figured out HOW to make it work.

We sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that just because we understand a process enough to use it, we are somehow masters of it. Or we give ourselves credit for creation of something that we have merely studied and can now properly explain.

Nope. Not masters, just beneficiaries of Gods grace and creativity and kindness.

Note to self: When starting with an Animoto video and adding text and or countdown, select the AVI codec that says 24p to avoid jumpy video.

Also, don’t worry about setting pixels to anything different than the original setting of the background video. makes no difference.

I made a stupid, tactless blunder yesterday. Too ashamed to tweet this and have it all over my facebook status. Feeling pretty subdued now. I have been through all the phases of workplace F-ups; denial, casting about (unsuccessfully) to share blame, minimizing, and now not wanting to show my face at the office. Dang it.

I know the correct response is not to let it dramatically affect my job one more day. Get back in there, and don’t EVER do it again. And that is what I will do and look like from the outside.

The shame stings – it’s not unhealthy shame- I was wrong. This discomfort is a natural and right effect of an un-seared conscience, which is, of course, what I want, blah blah, healthy growth, meow meow. Truth be told I would rather be shameless.

Like Brooksley Born. Glass ceiling shatterer, sort of. My hero trailblazer, she held her own intellectually in the old-boy’s network, and managed obstacles and roadblocks with grace and style.

She graduated with the Class of 1961 from Stanford university. She initially wanted to pursue a career in medicine. However, the guidance counseling service at Stanford opposed this, as it was their stated opinion that a woman who was interested in becoming a doctor, instead of the more suitable career of a nurse, was merely materialistic and had no sincere interest in healing. (seriously: this is documented. ack, pfft)

So instead she attended Stanford Law School, one of only seven women in her class. She was the first female student ever to be named president of the Stanford Law Review and is the first woman in American history to hold the editorship of a major law review. She received the “Outstanding Senior” award and graduated at the top of her class in 1964.

She was appointed head of the CFTC in 1994 (Commodity Futures Trading Commission). As chairperson of the CFTC, Born advocated reining in the huge and growing market for financial derivatives. Derivatives get their name because the value is derived from fluctuations in, for example, interest rates or foreign exchange. They started out as ways for big corporations and banks to manage their risk across a range of investments. One type of derivative—known as a credit-default swap—has been a key contributor to the economy’s recent unraveling. But she was blocked at the pass by an old boys network who dismissed her warnings out of hand. Acting on advice from Allen Greenspan, Congress went so far as to enact legislation that prohibited her agency from taking any action. Born left government and returned to her private law practice in Washington.

I knew none of this, until 2009, when Born was awarded the John F. Kennedy Profiles in Courage Award in recognition of the “political courage she demonstrated in sounding early warnings about conditions that contributed to the current global financial crisis”. According to Caroline Kennedy, “…Brooksley Born recognized that the financial security of all Americans was being put at risk by the greed, negligence and opposition of powerful and well connected interests… The catastrophic financial events of recent months have proved her right. Although their warnings were ignored at the time, the American people should be reassured that there are far-sighted public servants at all levels of government who act on principle to protect the people’s interests.”

On hearing about this award I sought to learn the story. She handled herself with grace, class, an amazing wit, and lost – to the detriment of us all – against the boys club. Now they have egg on their face, yet she refuses to play politics and blaming even today.

Allen Greenspan and his cronies were extreme. The men I work with are not sexist, but I am at a disadvantage as a woman in my position; I will am not part of the close brotherhood that exists with manfires, golfing, traveling together and cigars. And while that is not always about work, it lays a foundation for trust and a give and take of ideas that can’t help but carry over.  

These guys think nothing of heading out as a group for lunch in the middle of a day of meetings, and it lends to a sense of camaraderie that helps them work together. I am not welcome to join unless there is a “chaperone” of some sort for me; another woman, or my husband. I certainly could not attend anything that required travel without same said chaperone.

Let’s be realistic: Needing a chaperone makes me less than.  Period.

I am lumped into the teambuilding and networking activities of part timers, staff wives, girlfriends, and administrative assistants, because they are women. Don’t misunderstand me- these women are wonderful- but it’s a corporate glass ceiling. Other directors are team building with the leaders of my organization, because they are men.

I will take a page out of Brookesly’s book and persist in striving for excellence. Brooksley has shown me there is a way through the thicket. She is a hero to me. Bring it on!

Paulers and I are very similar, leading to a high level of compatibility and shared understanding, but then our flaws are often similar. With no contrasting voice, that shared weakness can get magnified. One way that works out for us is our contentment with silence. We both have rich thought lives that we forget to share with each other.

I can have entire conversations inside my head in which I conceive a thought, work it out, chew on it over time, enjoy connecting it to other facts and observations, and end up, sometimes that day, sometimes weeks later, with a fully formed opinion or new bit of information. I then file that away as a part of who I am; forgetting that while Paulers was most likely with me most of the time this was going on, he wasn’t in my head.  He has no clue about this essential new piece of my personality BECAUSE I forgot to speak during this process.

I mentioned to a friend something that Paulers and I do to work on communicating with each other better: we are assigned each Saturday to tell each other something about ourselves that will be new information to the other. By the way it’s kinda fun-sometimes hard, sometimes a no-brainer, always interesting. It’s not a big event, just a sentence or 2 in the car will do. That led to explaining why (see earlier paragraph)

My friend responded with surprise, noting that I never seem to be at a loss for words with him. – true fact, he gets a lot verbally from me, more than most; we are good friends and I trust him. But I smiled inwardly as I thought about all the things I had thought even in that few minutes that I had kept to myself. I would sound like a chatty Cathy doll if I spoke as much as I think. That would be exhausting for all of us.