God is your one true and holy GOD, not your husband or boyfriend
November 25, 2007 9:33 pm Daily lifePaul and I once got to hear a testimony about God’s grace in healing a marriage. This couple was so open and honest about their struggles, we all gave glory to God for the restoration of their broken relationship.
In the midst of this moving story, there was one sentence that stuck in my craw, and I felt like such a curmudgeon about it. But I have thought about it A LOT since then, I stand by my original reaction and feel better able to explain what is wrong.
We’ve all heard it at least once in our lifetime. Some sweet Christian woman says “My Husband is …(Insert issue here) but I’m OK because I turned to God to be my husband”. Now, I understand the point these women are trying to make, that they have needs and expectations that their husband, and, sometimes, no person could ever meet and they have learned to turn to God in his all sufficiency. (at least I hope that is thier point) Everyone around me seemed to think this so wonderful, and wise and Christian. But, well, I thought it was twisted.
First, No, it’s not OK that your husband (whatever here). And it’s OK for you not to be OK with it. You will forgive (whatever), when you understand the depth of what God has forgiven you and how it could never ever compare to what you have to forgive. I’m also guessing your husband has been awfully forgiving with you at least once… However, it is right and healthy to not be OK with something that is wrong. AND to expect your husband to be your husband is a correct application of expectations. Speak up, girl. Speak TRUTH With love, SPEAK UP to HIM.
NOTE: Not to your girlfriends. Do not bond over what bastards your husbands are as you “share how to hold each other up in prayer”, each encouraging the other that you “put up with so much and need strength to go on”- oh, I’m going off on another tangent I feel very strongly about. I digress.
Back to the point: Any sentence that actually refers to God as your (stand in) husband is trite and belittles the majesty of God. His grace is the very cause of your next breath. His power holds this world together. I know this is what you meant, honey, but your choice of words is repellent. You are Ok, more than ok, a new creation, because God is your God. He holds you in his hands. He will meet your every need in the midst of whatever life and your marriage throws your way. Your husband can’t do this, he’s only human – And God is not anyone’s husband or boyfriend. He is SO MUCH MORE.
November 27th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
Hm… As my favorite theologian (for this week at least) says, “I agree with what you affirm, but disagree with what you deny.” I agree with the fact that God is more than a husband and I’m with you on the spiritualizing trite ‘cutesiness’. Yuck.
But I disagree that the God/husband metaphor is off-base. God compares himself to a husband and puts himself in that role with Israel more than once… Granted, that’s in reference to a collective ‘Bride’ though.
Beyond that, though I agree that the metaphor has limitations and must be used wisely, AND that it’s good to call things (like sin) for what they are… I can’t help thinking of women who have lost their husbands and authentically find (eventually, in healing) that God fills that hole. Granted, He fills bigger more substantial holes too… but He can also fill that one.
ANYWAY… I like your ‘Note’ especially. Talk like that is like bad breath to me. Tough for me to figure out what to do with it. But what’s the line between chronic negativity and a genuine plea for help from a hurting woman? Is there one? Does it just depend on how bad they’re being treated? Need help navigating that one - have been meaning to ask Haugie…
November 27th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
I agree with everything you just wrote, Vondaful. I think you understood what I was trying to say. Thanks.
November 28th, 2007 at 5:31 am
I agree that the metaphor trivialises God.
When I was in Iraq in 2003, Cheryl lived by herself with a toddler, an infant and the horrifying chance that she could lose her husband in the war. She relied heavily on her trust in Christ and his sufficiency as her ‘husband’. That led her to a greater faith in God and less reliance on me.
Granted, not the issue of turning to God as an excusal for a substandard spouse, but you pretty much covered that.
November 28th, 2007 at 8:40 am
Mark, Cheryl’s is the healthy stance I am hoping that anyone who uses the terminology I decry really means.
The one I am concerned about is “writing off” your husband, in effect emotionally divorcing him, and using God as a “stand in”. As a matter of fact, You could replace the word God here with any of the following: Pastor, Yoga, exercise, work, girlfriends, a male friend, parents, medication, anything that helps you ignore your husband enough to be “Ok” while not dealing with your marriage.
November 28th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Along Mark’s same vein, the idea of relying on God instead of my husband is a tough one for me.
This sparked some interesting thoughts.
Thanks!
November 28th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
So, how are you on the virgin Mary as my wife?
November 28th, 2007 at 7:23 pm
Ed - are we in a fight?
November 29th, 2007 at 12:45 pm
Ed, I don’t suppose Joseph was too thrilled to have the guys down at the wine-press knowing that his wife was called ‘The virgin Mary’…
November 29th, 2007 at 8:37 pm
Jesus did have siblings, though.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:11 am
I think he would have been more upset if they called him “The virgin Joseph.” That would definitely be worse.