Book Commercials & Misanthropic Observations

The care and feeding of introverts

• Do you know someone who prefers hours alone every day?
• Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but claims to not be hungry for loads of new BFFs, even though you don’t believe them?
• Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate
• If so, do you tell this person she is “too serious,” or ask if she is okay? Regard her as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw her out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren’t caring for her properly.

Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone.

I know. My name is Brandy, and I am an introvert. I have good social skills. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests.

Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially “on,” we introverts need to turn off and recharge. This isn’t antisocial. It isn’t a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: “I’m okay, you’re okay—in small doses.”

Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. “People person” is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like “guarded,” “loner,” “reserved,” “taciturn,” “self-contained,” “private”—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Our lack of small talk is something that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours.

When you see an introvert lost in thought, don’t say “What’s the matter?” or “Are you all right?” Don’t say anything else, either, please.

Don’t worry, we have years to get to know each other, and we will in small doses over time and I truly believe it will be a richer friendship for it. However, if you won’t be around that long or don’t care to invest years of time, I’m thinking, why waste my time with you now? You can see I value slow and steady relationship over social prostitution- the act of sharing too much too soon and flitting off to the next new BFF.

I have a friend who asked me the other day if I disdain small talk, a common trait of many introverts. I for one, do not. Small talk can lay a foundation for deeper talk later. If that’s what works, ok, and small talk can often be the wiser choice with a new aquaintance. (Once again I refer to social prostitution as something to be avoided)

I don’t remember who, but someone the other day asked me for a link to myers briggs online. Here it is.

shout out to Jonathan Rauch for writing for introverts everywhere in the Atalantic Magazine, March 2003. I have blatantly plagarised his well written words, and then edited them to fit me better than any simple sterotype.